The Adventures of the Iron Wardens

Never see a play starring vampires...

I heard that new play in Fallcrest kind of sucks...

The stalwart Iron Wardens, now consisting of Kamanar’s cousins Romanar and Hogarth Fardigger and the elf sisters Briarmane and (edit name), were hired by a distraught mother in Fallcrest to find her missing daughter. They interviewed the mother to learn that the daughter, Tes, disappeared without a trace the night before.

The intrepid Iron Wardens bravely searched the teen girl’s room, finding many fliers for trashy plays. The girl’s mother told them that Tes was too poor to see the shows, but she enjoyed collecting the fliers. When the Wardens found a flier for a show called Dusk, which was currently in town, the mother said that she had forbidden her daughter from seeing a show like that. Apparently she was not one of the “Dusk Moms” that the Wardens had been warned about.

The Iron Wardens agreed to look into the problem, and earned themselves a sweet deal: they could eat all the bread they wanted from the bakery while they were on the job!

The Iron Wardens’ next step was to interview Tes’s friend Sarah, who was the last person to see Tes. Sarah fed the Wardens a cock-and-bull story about going windowshopping and then eating dinner. When a pair of scary elves called her on her clearly fabricated tale, she confessed that they had seen the play Dusk. More disturbingly, the Iron Wardens learned that the love-smitten Tes had left her friend to try to meet the star of the show, Durance Dwell.

The Wardens left to find the field where the play was being performed, beyond a dark barn. Behind the stage, several wagons were circled. There were four with the stars’ names on them, a fifth with no name, and a sixth with the drapes mysteriously pulled shut.

The heroes searched the fifth wagon first and found it locked. The elves were unable to pick the lock, but Romanar Fardigger proved to be adept with a lockpick and got them in. Inside, the Iron Wardens found the wagon full of costumes. Toward the back, they found a green dress that matched the description they had gotten of what Tes was wearing when she disappeared. They also found an expensive gold locket, which they decided to keep as evidence.

A circuit of the other wagons revealed that the stars of the show were all conceited, insane, drunk, or all of the above. One of them was missing, though: Kellan Dwell, who plays Emmet Cunning. The elves spotted a trail leading into the woods and decided to leave the dwarves behind because they were too unstealthy. They came across Kellan sitting naked in the woods, ostensibly meditating. Clearly his chakras were out of alignment, because the elves didn’t even have a chance to greet him before he began yelling at them and harshing their mellow.

As if sensing his distress, a pack of wolves appeared. The howling of the wolves brought the dwarves running as Kellan Dwell fled in the other direction, back toward the wagons. With the timely arrival of the dwarves, the encircled elves rallied and slew the pack.

By the time the Iron Wardens made it back to the wagons, night was falling. A crowd was gathering in front of the stage, and seemed to consist entirely of teenage girls wearing black. They met with the hulking Stage Manager, who was unimpressed by the accusations the team flung at him. He called on the gathering girls, who charged! Our heroes tried to avoid the packs of hypnotized fangirls and the handbag-wielding “mean girls” while fighting the stage crew, who turned out to all be vampires.

The heroic battle occurred on the stage itself, which allowed the Iron Wardens to keep the fangirls from getting too close while they dispatched the vampires. Once the undead were turned to dust, the fangirls swooned, their magical control broken.

The Iron Wardens knew that the vampires would reappear at a blood cauldron, but a search of the barn and the surrounding area revealed no such devices. They had to conclude that the vampires must have hidden the cauldrons far away. They did find Tes, though. She had been drained of some of her blood, but she was well enough for the Iron Wardens to summon help.

The Iron Wardens took heart knowing that there would at least be no sequel to “Dusk…” At least, not on this plane of existence…

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squelchgarth

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